Hate for Love is War / As War for Love is Hate

I can't even write properly tonight, so in advance please accept this apology.
I'm having a real struggle of an evening. I've trapped myself in a little fur-like blanket I like to refer to as the 'polar bears tummy' (it's always safe in the polar bears tummy) and yet I feel in danger of losing it, losing myself. Not completely - just for a few moments; but that's a few moments longer than I've allowed in such a long time that I've forgotten what to do and say now.

Someone I cared about a great deal died two years ago today. Sorry if that's blunt. I've tried to type that sentence about eleven different ways and so far they all seem so fucking generic and dishonest.
"I lost someone the greatest person I'd ever known"? or"A boy I adored passed away"?. There is something about these two examples that seems too kid-gloves when it comes down to how I feel about it all.

I don't want to write about how much I loved this person, I know, he'd know; and the ones I care about know these facts. That is, after all, what matters. I can't write anymore about it because it kills me.

I did want to write down how I feel of something else that happened very close to this date. Something that I can't really avoid and don't really want to keep quiet about anyway.

Almost two years ago my heart also stopped. Physically. And somehow after all of that it was broken all over again amongst the situation I spoke of above, and it was mended by someone I almost deem worthy of the word angel instead of person; yet he is still around today - I meant it in more of a healing sense. In two years I've watched this person grow up and move out, form a beyond successful career, maintain a relationship most people die looking for, find himself/lose himself, buy a house, travel, become a father...
We spoke on the phone the other day about the past two years and everything that had changed and the way we'd grown into people we were proud to be and we never expected to be two years ago.
I always expected him to be exactly what he is now. I've never expected anything less than greatness from him because you get what you give and he is one of those people that will give his blood, sweat and tears for a cause he deems worthy.
I didn't expect myself to be here though.

In two years I've become happy; I didn't really understand that word two years ago - it was like a foreign concept to me. I've grown up and I've dealt with things. I've bought a place and my passport has seen me in at least 13 different countries in a span of twelve months, I have three people that if needed I'd actually reach into my chest and rip out my heart for them. No question. I haven't got a clue if it's all temporary or what we're doing here; I didn't have some huge revelation after my heart stopped.
I just figured from that moment on I wasn't really content to keep trying so fucking hard to keep it beating if it weren't worth it. You just have to make it worth it. And if there was a way I could do that oh-so generically desired turning back of the times, it'd be to tell the friend that I did 'lose' that it's not about choosing between life and death - it's about choosing to make it matter. Otherwise you wake up day after day and you don't want to be in your own skin. You don't want to know yourself.
But I know that's impossible, and I know that it wouldn't make a difference because those words aren't healing and they mightn't even mean anything to him like they do for me... and if I ever got the chance to say anything to him ever again; it wouldn't be some tacky advice worthy of titling a self help book after - it would be a weeping, crying, whinging, whiny, sooky, horrible wail of an "I miss you" that you could barely make about amongst the tears and running nose and mascara. Let's face it.

I'm sure that if there's blogs in heaven he's reading that with a look of disgust in anticipation of our next meeting. Don't worry - I will probably go to hell anyhow. If there was anything I learnt from you it was that the things worth doing; the things that made your heart beat and your breath momentarilly escape you - well, almost all of these things are highly frowned upon, highly creepy or highly illegal.

Doing you proud. Promise.

are you gonna die with that music inside
did you catch the twilight on your way into work
you can live anything you can think
man, i'm not lying to you and yeah that's a threat
i don't want to have to bury you like this
something's gotta get your attention
if I have to crack open your skull with my fist
i'll let the light and the sound escape

listen now
you can hear the sound
surrender and let the light come out
don't be afraid
let me hear your voice
what you will live is what you make

I know you've worked hard your whole life
and now your tired the money is never enough
it's never gonna be enough man that's not even the point
the only thing you can't afford is to keep buying the lines your fed
I know it's comfortable to go back to sleep
take a look at what you've been lying in
before you wake up in search of your paycheck death
the demons of regret are making your deathbed

cause I'm ready now
like I never was before
to see what this is all about