Pretending I was sleeping, Hoping you would creep in...

I'm absolutely loving Lily Allen's new album and especially "Who'd Have known".
I went home for my brother's 21st birthday today. And whilst I love him to death and I always will - I fucking hate being in that house, being home again.
They (whoever they are) are right on the money with the saying "You can never go back".
I do also believe that the Fall Out Boy lyrics "if home is where the heart is, then we're all just fucked" are pretty spot on as well. I suppose that nothing stays the same, but it never really changes that much either.

So I have had one of the craziest months I've had in my entire life. Partying constantly. Meeting the loveliest of people. I'm feeling pretty blessed right now. My bank balance however, is not feeling anything quite similar. But it's all in the love of a good party. And let's face it - at the end of the day, will I actually remember how much money I had, or how much fun? Let's face it, as it is I never know what kind of money I have. I've been finding fifty dollar bills stashed in jeans pockets and bags I don't use anymore - I don't think I'm all that concerned with cash if that's the kind of ridiculous shit I'm doing with it.

I've been completely aware that being single for me is the best thing I could possibly do, for quite some time now. And I have no debate on that fact.
But I've recently realised that in automatically knowing my decision to not be interesting in dating someone, or having a permanant ruling on relationships being such a no-no, I'm missing out on the amazing conversations and things that came after you just hang out with someone. I mean, don't get me wrong - I'm not at all the type of person that will push people away before I even know them, but I have some hectic barriers put up in attempt to make damn sure no one can come close enough that I'd ever care if they left. I suppose for me it's really all about the moments. I am really happy to have people come and go from my life, as long as they fill their purpose or I fill mine. I know that sounds cold. But we are all really just bettering ourselves and the fact will always remain that will we always put ourselves first in one way or another. Sure - we all do good things for other people, but we definitely get something out of that. Be it a good feeling or a bit of praise. But we definitely are all stuck in survival mode and I promise that if need be each and everyone of us would claw our way out of trouble.
I think it's easy to forget this sort of thing. It's easy to get attached or sad or whatever, but we shouldn't. And in the same sense, I shouldn't have such big guards up because I'm ultimately hiding from the same thing I'm so hypocritical about. I am not living my life to the potential of it. The ridiculous highs and lows. I should allow that to exist more, I need to be comfortable with chaos. I'm really not.

I also need to stop being quite so partyparty. I drank far too much this weekend. And whilst I'm not one to get so fucked up that they can't control their behaviour or they do really disgusting things, I actually have a few moments that I don't remember and this week was so good that I wish I remembered all of it... I mean it more in the sense that, I don't really feel like my attitude or behaviour is a problem. I just seriously party too hard, and then wake up feeling bad. And forgetting parts. I don't say it in the sense that my drinking is a problem. I just mean, drinking isn't healthy in such copious amounts and my body needs to not be ruined so often.
Nothing creepy. I just wish I had not being a massive trash bag this weekend. Too late now.

Edit: Have noticed the serious back tracking and over explaining myself that I do in that last paragraph... early symptoms of alcoholism, perhaps? Isn't admitting it the hardest step to take... Oh no. Well it was never a surprise that rehabilitation clinics across the globe would get to know my name one of these days. Even if it's just because I'm the regular creepy joe that hangs over the fence and drops off everyone's scores. I'm okay with being that person, after all - what is quitting for? That's right, quitters. Quitters never prosper.