World feels like it's caved in, Proper sorry frown.

My chin is quivering and I'm biting down so hard on my bottom lip to try stop it from doing so that it's possible I might have drawn blood. But I can't taste anything right now, everything tastes like anger.
I can't stop the tears coming out of my eyes, and the ironically humorous thought occurs to me mid stream "I'd have postponed putting on my make-up just now if someone had warned me a mental breakdown was on it's way".
Everything is hurting today. My bones ache, knuckles especially. My fingers hate the cold weather, I'm twenty fucking four and already my hands don't close properly. My hair is frustrating if it's tied up or let down. The room temperature is freezing then the moment I turn the heater on I feel like I'm enjoying a nice Instant Hell climate.
It's always like this if I don't sleep and I never sleep these days.
I don't have anyone I really can talk to because I don't allow myself to feel or show any actual emotions. Then it wells up inside me and becomes so much that I feel like there is something in my throat pulling it shut. Grasping at the words I want to say and dragging them back down to my stomach. Maybe that explains this aching feeling in my guts. Maybe that's not instinct.
Sometimes I feel like perhaps if I spoke out and said something my whole world might not crumble, that I might find there is a lot of people there to catch me if I ever decided I needed to let go and fall.
But I know oh-too-well the shame of being caught, being picked up when you can't carry yourself. I told myself I'd never get to a place again where I couldn't do this on my own.
And yet here I stand at a crossroad to end all crossroads, divided between the place I live now and the place I want to call my home.

Though of course it's not that simple. The facts remain and the secrets stay just that, and so I cannot really even being to explain why I can't just go now. Suffice to say that I think that my life needs to change before I get to London, because this person I'm becoming now is a shell of who I used to be and I am not introducing myself to anyone whilst I'm in that state ever, ever again.

I would give everything I have to not be here anymore. Though for the first time in a long time, I can't always get what I want. Perhaps Mick is going to be right though, perhaps if I try I'll get exactly what I need.
Until then, fortunately I have that particular Rolling Stones song to play on repeat over and over again, even though the only thing I seem to hear is the swift kick in the teeth it continues to give me each time.

"And I'm just standing there, I can't say a word. Everything's just gone, I've got nothing - absolutely nothing"
Dry Your Eyes Mate - The Streets