Dear Doc: Thanks For The Valiums, But Can I Really Wash Them Down With Bacardi & Use Poppers?

It's funny how I can be so strong willed, so determined and so happy yet so fucking lost and upset at the exact same time.
I'm so scared that London will chew me up and swallow me whole and that I won't be able to find the kind of happiness I've found in a few rare people after years of searching Melbourne.
I don't want to leave my best friend. But I don't want to be there anymore.

I don't know what I want but travelling has made me feel like a puzzle that's so close to being complete; if it weren't for the missing piece. It's not that you don't know where to put it, it's just that it's not there.
I suppose that's life. You finish and you're still always searching.

But I'm starting to see that there are patterns and things that I want to run away from but I don't know how to break - I'm starting to realise that my only dream left allows me to completely fuck around from now on. I've done everything else I said I wanted to do except publish my writing.
And let's face it, to be a writer, I can be anything else I want in the meantime. So I've basically allowed myself to do exactly that. I've no structure or goals left to achieve so I've decided that my love affair with London needs to involve me moving there because I need to do something else with my life. Because I always need to keep going. (She's always going). I just wonder is it going or running? What point do you differentiate that?

I've got to figure so much out because I seem to be carrying so much on my shoulders that I don't even recognise piling up on them. My life has become a haze of always running off to a different country or different dream that I've not stopped for so long to smell the roses or pick up the baggage I've left behind. I don't even know that I want to. It's been good and it's been fun but when do you stop and how to you figure out what to care about next?

I hate drainer entries so it wouldn't surprise me if this is deleted pretty quickly. But in case it's not, I've been having an amazing time in London and I do want to be here. I just wish there was a way I could do that and have my Melbourne life as well - or find a way to seperate myself and be like everyone else that moves away, just submits to the fact that it's going to hurt but it's all going to be okay. I am usually so good at that. It's just that I'm terrible at failing and London really is one of those places that you're made or broken. The fear of breaking posssibly takes over my ability to see the possibility of succeeding. But, maybe I just need a rest before I even think about trying to take on a new city.

All I want is to know where I belong, I don't think I've honestly ever felt that. I don't think that's neccesarily a bad thing, I just think it's about time I figured that out because it's really starting to plague me. And I can't avoid that any longer... y'know?

x


I just wanted to write it down, but M told me today on the phone that he came home from London for a particular reason and when he came home that reason was gone, and since then he's wanted to be back there. This killed me. I know I want to be here. I just wish I were strong enough to go it alone. Or could drag him here with me? Party team, me thinks so.




It's funny though how songs always find a way to mean exactly what you need them to at the time, I always thought these lyrics were supposed to be about a person... I kind of understand them more if I think about how I feel about London.

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over
If I'm wrong, I am right
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust
I know - this is love
But, if I tell the world
I'll never say enough
Cos it was not said to you
And that's exactly what I need to do
If I end up with you

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there
Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

I build myself up
And fly around in circles
Wating as my heart drops
And my back begins to tingle
Finally, could this be it or...

Should I give up?
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere.
Or would it be a waste?
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there?
Should I give up?