Why I Blank You and Carry On...

Something that last week made me so happy is gone. That's probably my fault. Maybe I put too much into something that never mattered to anyone except me. I do that alot.
Or perhaps I put too much faith in someone that I never got to know...
I think in all honesty that I let myself care for someone who I perhaps would not care for this way if I didn't spend two weeks 20k miles away; writing letters back and forth like we owed each other something real.

My nights in London were hard. Harder than usual when I thought of how lovely it was with the four of us before I left, and I get so sorry that we ruined this by making it into something it never was supposed to be... Something that neither of us needed/wanted by putting a distance between us that forced us to talk.

Even if I'm with someone new; you're on my mind. Not because I want you more; because I loved us as friends and nothing replaces that. Because sadly, I knew it would be a boring Monday at work before you got back in touch with me and in the meantime I've gone and had the time of my life and I can't enjoy it thoroughly because of this being totally fucked between us regardless of what you say.

I don't think this ever became something more to me then we said it would be; I only question my motives because of how i feel now - but if you asked me two weeks ago... my answer was/is the same: I never felt like I needed to be someone I wasn't when I was with you.

I guess I'll never know why you never brought up the stuff you clearly knew about me - I guess I dont need to; but maybe that was what made me so comfortable. Leaving my comfort zone with people I care about is like being high and cold and leaving my heater or leaving the polar bears tummy. It's the hardest thing to do, you know this.

The truth is: You should've been there. You wrote me so many times saying you missed me. We both know the way you have been since my return is not only uncalled for, considering your writing; but it is unfair.

I can't fix this or take it back to how it was without you wanting that too. But even still; it only was what it was because we were close together yet so comfortable being seperate alone.

I'll move on from this feeling and this getting me down. In fact I probably have already but it breaks my heart to even think our friendship is over. You think it's not; I know. And i won't always think this way... it's just your recent disregard for how I've felt that makes me wonder if you care at all and the fact that I care what you think and how you act is not your fault - you don't owe me anything but I just thought it safe to assume we were a little closer than the kinds of friends that take count. I was pretty good to you. I thought we were pretty good to each other. I honestly don't feel that it's so even now.

I don't shed tears over choices... I don't shed tears over boys - I shed tears for friends or the apparent loss of them.

Before you get mad; I want to say this isn't an attempt to reach you or have you/your friends hear my side? How could it be? I've not mentioned your name to anyone and unless you have mentioned mine we're a secret only my best friend in the world knows. I've not got one bad word to say it's just that I need this out of my head at 5:25am to get some fucking sleep.

The Twang; one of my favourite bands ever - have released a new cd and of course I've been overthinking their lyrics which is nothing new... However; like a horoscope if you're general enough you can make anyone believe you're in their mind frame - the thing with The Twang is that I actually don't think they are that general and I always seem to find that he says what I wish I could....
The singers perfect accent and the way he speaks lyrics rather than singing them all the time does absolutely nohing for me wishing I didn't come home from London:





"Well you're right that's mad
Mistaking something real for something we never had
And you're right I'm just wrong
But if you're honest you do go on and on and on,
And you're right when you say
There's no place like home
I just don't miss it till I'm stoned and lying alone
Hoping you'll answer your phone

A rearrangement of my heart is needed
A lack of something's not the issue
It's what we got that needs a sort through.
Lets have a sort through
Just me and you, like we used to do.

Are we holding on should we let go
Is that face you're wearing a feeling
Or just for show?
I guess that's something only you'll ever know
And you're right I should do something constructive
And not destructive as I just don't do nothing at all
Except wait for the fall
And hope that you'll answer my call"




"I forgot what I was even thinking then
I been talking so much nonsense
And the way in which you left me
Made me think we don't even make sense
And I would of called you back and that
I tried but the words they didn't come out
So, I guess I think its best we just leave it there.

Oh, that dont surprise me,
Not for one second baby
I wanna pick it up back where we started
And If the answers maybe
I'll say definitely
I wanna pick it up back where we started

I wouldn't of even thought our paths would of crossed
In fact, it seems our friendships cheating
And we've just been caught in the act
And after spillages and stolen snouts
It suddenly dawned upon me
That it aint like this, and we don't make sense
In fact your nothing like me

Can we forget tonight and go back where we started?"










Eventually I know beyond a doubt that I will see this for being the best thing to do at the time but right now I'm drinking and I miss you and have since I left for London, so coming home to find it was never there hasn't helped...